On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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