You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
