Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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