woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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