went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
