so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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