oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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