Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
