He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
