Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
