Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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