the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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