At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dignity is for republicans.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
