I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
whose parrot is this?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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