We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
