I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
