You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
