i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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