We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
