Please, let me fuck your mom
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
