The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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