I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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