I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
