I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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