I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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