I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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