Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
