I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
