I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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