My girlfriend figured out who you are.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
