I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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