..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
