Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
