Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
