The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
