Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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