Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
