My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
