Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
