The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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