wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
