i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
