i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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