I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
