At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
