He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
