I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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