i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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