Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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