It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
