i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
